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I've never wrote a letter in my life. I couldn't write a letter. I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell.

-Harry Redknapp, Tottenham Hotspur manager

Oh Balotelli he’s a striker… 
He’s good at darts.
He’s allergic to grass, but when he plays he’s fucking class.
Drives round Moss Side with a wallet full of cash,
Can’t put on his vest
But when he does he is the best.
Goes into schools, tells teachers all the rules.Sets fire to his gaff with rockets from his bath.
Doesn’t give a fuck,‘cause he did it for a laugh,
Runs back to his house
For a suitcase full of cash,
Oh Balotelli...

-City’s lament to Mario Balotelli. Sung to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah

They abruptly waived me into another room where I was interrogated by the executive producer, a well-dressed British guy named Michael. Instantly I knew this was bad luck — I've always hated British people. I think it stems back to the Tea Party Act. And British Guy voiced his concerns and sugarcoated things as much as he could before giving me the El Shafto.

-Deadspin, just unearthed a Bill Simmons column from Sept. 2000 where he documents his fateful meeting with Michael Davies. Read the complete tome here.

Nobody can prove that sex affects performance on the field. However, masturbation is more tiring.

-Former Brazil striker Ronaldo to Mundo Deportivo.

I want to leave all the stuff I did before behind. This is a chance for me to reinvent myself, for me to stretch myself, for my language to grow.

-Fox Soccer Gus Johnson on whether he'll bring his basketball vocabulary over to the beautiful game during this week's Men in Blazers podcast.

If American football is my wife and English football is my mistress, I may be forced to get a divorce for what I'm doing right now.

-Letter from GFOP Aaron R. in San Francisco, CA

The MLS encourage their players to go out to Europe during their off-season for improvement, practice and to have contact with top-level football. That's why Brek Shea is coming here.

-Arsenal's manager Arsene Wenger. Careful there Arsene, an MLS is always watching.

We want football fans and Michel Platini to forget about playing with their balls.

-Olexandra Shevchenko One of five young Ukrainian women from the group Femen who stripped outside Kiev’s Olympic stadium on Friday to protest what they said were plans to turn Ukraine into a “Euro-brothel” during next June’s 2012 European Championship.

I told him, "If you played with me 10 years ago, I give to you every day one punch in your head!"

-Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini to striker Mario Balotelli

If Euro 2008 was "Dubliners" and the World Cup was "Ulysses" then Euro "12 is Spain" and "Finnegans Wake": A self-indulgent, incoherent mess masquerading as high art.

-GFOP Tariq ranting and raving in a telegram this week about Spain and James Joyce. We love our listeners.