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Men in Blazers Roundtable: Premier League Season Preview

This article originally appeared in the August 11th issue of our newsletter, The Raven. Subscribe HERE.


We asked some of the regulars at the Men in Blazers small council to give us their team's Premier League season preview.

Arlo White (NBC Sports, Leicester City)
I'm strangely optimistic. I had a dream the other night that Mahrez stayed, the Foxes signed Sigurdsson to play behind Vardy and Iheanacho, and the league was won by Easter! In reality, Mahrez will likely leave, and Gylfi is off to Everton, isn't he? Ah well. It feels like the dust has settled after the title win, the Champions League adventure and the hugely polarising sacking of Claudio Ranieri. The summer business has been excellent so far. Harry Maguire was signed early in the window and Kelechi Iheanacho is the potential signing of the summer (Yes, we now live in a world where £25M for a 20-year-old with 12 Premier League starts to his name, is considered a steal!) Life is rarely dull for Leicester fans. Since 1997, they've seen their club win League One, The Championship, The Premier League and two League Cups. They've also been relegated three times, lost in the playoffs twice, and lost a League Cup Final. So, if you offered a 12th-14th place finish BUT win the FA Cup for the first time in their history to complete The domestic trophy set, most Leicester fans would snap your hand off! Prediction: 9th (and out in the FA Cup 4th Round).

Robert Carlock (Writer/Producer for “30 Rock”/”Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” Arsenal)
One morning this August, Stan Kroenke shaves off his mustache. Only then does science learn that Kroenke's "mustache" was actually a brain parasite. That's why Kroenke was always gobbling up buckets of fish feces! The parasite loves fish feces! And that's why Kroenke believed that winning isn't the point of sports! Because the mustache parasite had no soul! Finally human again, Kroenke starts spending his wife's money. Sanchez signs a new contract and he and Lacazette become best friends. Giroud stays on as a handsome super sub. Rambo decides to stop getting hurt for no reason. Ozil starts looking as happy in matches as he does in training ground photographs. The Arsenal defense all go out to dinner and learn each others names so they can talk on the pitch. And Jean-Michael Seri's happening, right?! Arsenal win the league and a "Space Jam"-like competition against the mustache parasites (with the help of everyone's favorite mascot, Gunnersaurus!). The parasites are Chelsea supporters.

Rebecca Lowe (NBC Sports, Crystal Palace)
Bit worried about Frank. Bit worried about the lack of signings. Bit worried about our keeper situation. Just generally a bit worried. But BLOODY excited that we will do a Leicester and win the whole thing!! We'll finish 15th.

Big Cat (Barstool, Swansea)
‪"One Way To Keep Momentum Going Is To Have Constantly Greater Goals."‬ Swansea is the hottest club in the EPL, going 4-0-1 in their last 5 matches dating back to last season. Did someone say top of the table? Yes, I just did, and as an owner of Swansea City that means the goal has officially been set. Build off last year's momentum and win the whole damn thing. It is top of the table or bust for the Swans. See all the haters and losers, of which there are many, on the other side. ‬

Ian Perkins (Gaslight Anthem Guitarist/Asbury Park F.C. Co-Chairman, Watford)
It was hard not to be a little disappointed with how Watford finished up last season. We had a struggling manager with little or no connection with the fans, long term injuries to key players and a squad stretched to the limit. Still though, we secured another season in the Premier League and if we've learnt anything about the Pozzo family since their arrival in Hertfordshire, it's that they always have a backup plan. With just a few hours left until the start of the new season, I couldn't be more excited. Mazzarri is gone and replaced with an in demand, young manager in Marco Silva. New signings Chalobah and Hughes are both highly rated, home grown talents bought in for next to nothing and Brazilian starlet Richarlyson just signed from Fluminense, right under the noses of Chelsea and Ajax. A proven top flight goal scorer would be nice, maybe smashing our transfer record again for Andre Gray could just be the last piece of the puzzle. With Zarate, Pereyra and Deeney all close to returning from injury and Gomes signing a new two-year contract, could this be our best Premier League season yet? I'd like to think so.

Producer Lexi (Producer Lexi, Liverpool)
Still on the Klopp hype train! But Liverpool will finish 5th. It will be lame. I will punch a wall. It will hurt. Thanks a lot Dejan Lovren. PS. Coutinho don’t leave :(

Davo (Kitchen Appliance Enthusiast/Wakeboarder, Chelsea)
Title to Manchester. One of them has to win it. Jose will lose his job if Pep wins. Pep will lose his job if Jose wins. Antonio and Jurgen will run up and down the sideline screaming a lot. Jurgen will have more goals to celebrate and finish 3rd. Poch and Arsene in a battle for 4th. Everton to flirt with glory. Rog will be unbearable. And Chelsea will stay up.

Adam Platt (New York Magazine Chief Restaurant Critic, Manchester City)
After blowing several hundred billion pounds (or whatever the hell it was) over the summer, I suppose Man City supporters have cause for optimism, but not me. The team seems to be too young, too untested, and to have too many shiny new moving parts to be considered a solid favorite. I see a second or third place finish, and the inevitable early boot from the Champs League. Off the pitch, the tiresome Pep psycho drama (is he a Savior or False Prophet?!) will play on and on (put me in the False Prophet Camp). On the pitch, defense is obviously going to be the key, specifically whether Kompany can stay healthy (you’d have say hell no), and whether the young Brazilian goaltender can restore some sense of sanity at the back (let’s effing hope so).

Becky Sauerbrunn (USWNT/FC Kanas City, Arsenal)
Arsenal will not finish fourth, I'm going with a top 3 place. This is not because we have players like Lacazette, Ozil, and Sanchez, it's because we have players like Koscielny, Cech, and Kolasinac. I'm excited to see what Kolasinac can do during the season!

Austin Brown (Parquet Courts, Manchester United)
This season is shaping up to be the most epic yet. We've already got key players returning to former mentors, previously unknown fellas returning to wreck entire fleets, and rumors of dragons returning to the mainland. Not only that, the Premier League is back! Unlike GOT, it looks like Gareth Bale is staying put, again. For UTD, I'm sure Mou is looking forward to bagging at least another 3 fully legitimate trophies, but with even more style than previously expected. I'm predicting not only will Pogba dominate the middle third all season via future-classic hairstyling, but also bring the most exciting, unpredictable celebration to be seen, with a clutch Jesse Lingard assist. Lukaku will lead the league in the most goals scored that won't be on any highlight reels. I imagine ending the year with a shocking but well deserved decision to award Marouane Fellaini a lifetime achievement award, cementing his status as indisputable GOAT, in my own mind. And look to Mourinho to take any credit for any of these achievements, he will humbly point towards his team and fans for the accolades they deserve, naming Luke Shaw as most improved player of year.

Rog (Bald, Everton)
With Rooney using his vast hair-loss experience to guide young nearly-balds, Klaassen and Sandro, through the trauma of their receding hairlines, Everton's Babies will blow away the rest of the field and be 9 points clear at the top of the table by Christmas with Lookman and Calvert-Lewin picking up the scoring slack created by Lukaku's absence. Ahead of the team's final game of the season, away against West Ham, the Blues are 15 points clear of the pack. Ronald Koeman, who had consistently insisted the title race was not over, finally concedes his Blues will be champions. However, moments before kick off, global warming propels the earth's mean surface temperature to 373 Kelvin, a temperature so hot, the Earth's oceans boil, instantly making life on the planet's surface impossible. Liverpool fans die happy.

Chris Tomson (Vampire Weekend/Dams of the West, Spurs)
We're destined for glory or a depressingly Spursy falling apart of squad and season (Dele don't go!) I'm very wary of Wembley. We go 1 or 5 😬

Dave Fishwick (Purveyor of Optimal Minibuses, Burnley)
Here we are all looking forward to the new season ahead, It’s going to be incredibly exciting and it’s great news that we are once again in the Premier League. The buzz in Burnley is amazing! With players around the world now being sold for as much as 198 million [Pounds]! It's incredibly difficult for a town like Burnley to compete in that arena. However our spirit is strong and we will try our best against all the odds. Remember we have the brilliant Sean Dyche and a great team of lads, hopefully once again we can try and fight to stay in the greatest league in the world. I myself are swapping sponsorship for ownership as I start to buy shares in Burnley Football club [More HERE]. I am also in the early stages of talking to a massive TV network in America about possibilities of filming a big show out there.