SPOILER ALERT: Rog has eaten all 10 of this weekend’s Premier League Pies. Results below.#PieDontLie
UPDATE: El Clasico prediction now included below.
West Ham 2 vs. Manchester City 3
Enner Valencia will propel West Ham into a shock 2-0 lead, but a Kun Aguero strike just before half time, coupled with a Kun Aguero penalty and a Kun Aguero wonder strike will give Kun Aguero all three points.
Sunderland 0 vs. Arsenal 8
Business as usual for Sunderland. Gus Poyet attempts to accentuate the positive post-game, telling press “at least we are consistent.” Alexis Sanchez has a hattrick of assists, ending the game with his shorts yanked up around his belly button.
Southampton 0 vs. Stoke City 2
Stoke continue their run as the EPL’s most bi-polar team, winning when expected to lose and losing when expected to win. Tadic explained he and Pelle have taken it down a gear to prevent Liverpool coming in for them during the transfer window.
West Brom 1 vs. Crystal Palace 0
Alan Irvine is left doing his “cuter than a baby seal” sideline jig after a late Saido Berahino lassoes all three points. Neil Warnock departs fuming about a non-penalty call, looking ever more like Livia Soprano.
Liverpool 3 vs. Hull City 2
Two Hull City Own Goals, the last one in the 95th minute after a flurry of last minute goals, send Liverpool back to winning ways. Brendan Rodgers talks afterwards with pride how he has reigned in Dejan Lovren’s reckless ways. “He [Lovren] said, ‘I don’t mark at corners,’” Rodgers said. “Ah, you do now. For the first time in his life, he marked at a corner. Treat him like an adult with responsibility…”
Swansea City 0 vs. Leicester City 0
Scoreless battle between two teams with most unfathomable jersey sponsors. Leicester’s Thai Duty Free King Power come closest. Swansea’s Galactic Basic summon little.
Burnley 2 vs. Everton 1
Turf Moor Titillation. Everton open the scoring early courtesy of ghost-striker, Steven Naismith. Yet, Roberto Martinez’s side appear leaden footed after their midweek antics in Lille, and fall behind to two late Burnley counters.
Tottenham 3 vs. Newcastle 1
Shocking outcome at White Hart Lane: Mauricio Pochettino smiles, albeit briefly.
Manchester United 0 vs. Chelsea 2
Chelsea score twice then shut the game down. Louis Van Gaal attempts to shake Mourinho’s hand ten minutes before full time whistle but is snubbed by his Portuguese counterpart.
QPR 0 vs. Aston Villa 1
A lack of force meets a movable object. One team cannot attack. The other cannot defend. A Christian Benteke penalty feels like a mercy killing.
Real Madrid 12 vs. Barcelona 11
Real Madrid overcome 7 Iker Casillas howlers to hold on for the win.