Were you too busy watching the American Music Awards to catch An MLS Cup 2011? Well, you weren’t alone. That’s why Grantland asked the Men in Blazers to take this one for the team. In this cross-country e-mail exchange, Michael Davies and Roger Bennett walk you through Sunday night’s showdown between the LA Galaxy and Houston Dynamo.
Thanks to Josh Getman, we now have the first two songs that will resound from the MiB block of seats at the next US World Cup qualifying game. Here’s a man who rhymes “miss” with the Jewish word for ritual circumcision. His poetry is so poetic, it’s worth risking a recall for Bornstein, his play be damned. Josh, resign from your day job now. Broadway is calling.
To the tune of “Sixteen Going on Seventeen”:
Jonathan Bornstein, Jonathan Bornstein,
Headers that never miss
Carving up wingers,
Then performing a bris
Or, staying with the the show tunes theme, but branching out from The Sound of Music, perhaps the wing should be renamed “Cherundolo-klahoma”:
Cherundolo-klahoma, where the back comes sweepin’ down the wing, And his trundlin’ feet, sure can’t be beat, When his cross drops angels start to sing.
Ohhh Coloccini! You are the love of my life, oh Coloccini! I’d let you shag my wife, oh Coloccini! I want curly hair too.
(To the tune of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You)
Great Friend of the Pod and listener Hunter Volpe pointed out that we failed to mention Newcastle’s ode to Fabricio Coloccini during last week’s brief discussion of supporter songs (video here). A hearty thanks to him and the rest of the Miami contingent of Newcastle fans (@ToonArmyMIA) for helping us see the error of our ways.
A tall man once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” I am not a tall man, kind sirs, but I have had cause to congregate with tall men from time to time, and I now consider you, the Men in Blazers, among the tallest people I don’t know.
Should you deem me worthy of receiving the MIB email, I can promise you a substantial emotional commitment to the pod and all that it stands for. I will execute my duties carefully, competently and curiously. Should I fail to meet the standards of superior cognitive agility that you demand, then I shall bow out gracefully with the request that you kindly tell the press our parting was due to irreconcilable differences of artistic vision.
You have yourself a fine day.
- Joseph Timber Jr.
If you’d like to receive the MIB email, drop us a note at email@example.com
To complete our community service (and get off probation), we proudly present the second half of our Men in Blazers’ NBA-to-English Premier League Global Football Team Support Translator. It’s our charitable attempt to ease the withdrawal pains of our basketball-loving brothers and sisters who have been so cruelly forced to go cold turkey.
Please note: This guide is objective and scientific. It’s the result of crunching data through our CDC 6600 supercomputer, which processed a series of complex variables through a proprietary MiB algorithm, punching out the below results on ticker tape. CLICK TO READ MORE.
“Oh Balotelli he’s a striker…
He’s good at darts.
He’s allergic to grass,
but when he plays he’s fucking class.
Drives round Moss Side
with a wallet full of cash,
Can’t put on his vest
But when he does he is the best.
Goes into schools,
tells teachers all the rules.
Sets fire to his gaff
with rockets from his bath.
Doesn’t give a fuck,
‘cause he did it for a laugh,
Runs back to his house
For a suitcase full of cash,
Oh Balotelli …”—City’s lament to Mario Balotelli. Sung to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah.
Basketball fans who are at a loss, we feel your pain. The first two weeks of your schedule have been canceled. The entire season is in doubt. Even worse: The WNBA doesn’t tip off until next spring.
Fan nature abhors a vacuum. May we be so bold as to suggest a partial solution? As a public service, we offer this guide matching the parallel universes of the NBA and the English Premier League, team by team. May your new soccer love be as close to the real thing as Methadone or Splenda.